To Luke, On Your First Birthday

        One year ago today, my world completely changed. I had planned and dreamed every day of my life for this day, but my plans and dreams fell short of the reality. You came into this world so early, so quickly, and Daddy and I were really not prepared!
        And then there you were, my beautiful baby boy. I cried a quick tear when I first saw you, but was so busy smiling no more tears came. I can still see the pitiful face you were making as you screamed. You were so perfect. So warm and soft, with perfect color, perfect face, perfect toes, and then you peed on me. Twice. I couldn’t help but laugh. Everything about that moment is beautiful in my memory.
        I’ve watched you change so quickly. You learned to eat by yourself in only one day, and then it was cooing, laughing, rolling, crawling, talking. It’s all happened so fast. I can’t even keep up with writing down all your accomplishments in your baby book. You make me so proud. Just your smile makes me want to give you everything I have and ask nothing in return.
        This year you have made me so tired. So stressed. So crazy. You have changed my body forever. And yet, you are totally worth it all and more. You are worth staying up all night for, all the tears and worry. You are worth my hair falling out and my aches and pains. Just to watch you as you grow is enough joy for me to forget those things.
        I am sad, as now you are not a baby. You are becoming a boy. Your shape is no longer round and chunky like an infant, but now you are tall and lean like a toddler. Each day you discover something new, and I know you will continue to change, and that makes me sad. I wish I could leave you this small and innocent forever. But that’s not God’s plan.
        You will continue to grow and change and I will continue to be tired, and stressed, and crazy. And I will always worry. But I pray for you every day. I pray that God will keep you safe. That He will help you grow healthy and strong. I pray that He will help me be a good mother, to lead you to Him, and to show you how to live for Him. I pray that He will use you, which he is already doing, even though you do not know it. I pray for your future wife, and I pray that one day God blesses you with babies that give you the same joy you have given me.
        Thank you, for how you’ve changed me this past year. Thank you for reminding me daily that I must trust God because I can’t do this on my own. Thank you for showing me that I am strong. Thank you for teaching me to be patient, and have unconditional love, just as God has for us.
For you, I will be ever thankful. I cannot tell you how much I love you. I hope that you always want my hugs and kisses; they will always be here waiting for you. Know that I will always be here for you. I love you.

                                                                     Love, Mommy

The Birth Story of Luke Gaboriault: Part 5 (The End)

The first day and night in the hospital we were both still very excited and needing some sleep.  Jared stayed with me that night and suffered through sleeping in a hard chair.  He brought a fan from home, which made the heat more tolerable, and he brought me food since the nurses didn’t quite understand what a gluten allergy was (no one in Thailand really understands this). 

The next day began with an early visit from Luke.  Jared left for a while to try to get some paperwork done.  This would be what he really focused on for the next week or so.  They ended up taking out my IV, so I was now able to walk around and go to visit Luke by myself.  This day went by pretty fast. A huge highlight of my day was when the Vickers brought me a homemade meal of ham and scalloped potatoes.  It tasted better than I had ever had it in my entire life! Perhaps I was just tired of eating rice.

That night, my mom flew in to Thailand!  She would not be able to be in Udon until the next day, Saturday, but my excitement kept me awake that night.  Since Jared was unable to really sleep the night before, he decided to stay at a nearby hotel that night.  He would also be better able to help communicate with my mom about her travel plans from the hotel, as the hospital had no Wifi.

        When Saturday arrived, I was told I would be able to go home.  I was so excited to be leaving the hospital and to be able to go home and take a shower in a clean bathroom!  I was upset because I would have to leave Luke behind, but I knew that he had just had his feeding tube removed that morning and still needed to learn to eat.  I couldn’t take home a baby who couldn’t eat on his own.  A nurse mentioned to me that morning that Luke could now come stay with me by my bed, but he couldn’t go home yet.  This made me sad, since I was now leaving and would be missing that opportunity.  Soon we got all the paperwork finished for me and just Jared and I went home.

Mimi meeting Luke for the first time. 

When I arrived home, my mom was waiting at our house!  Our friends had picked her up at the airport, and it all worked out so perfectly so that she was there and able to welcome me home.  I got a shower, we ate a quick lunch, and then Jared, my mom, and I went back to the hospital.  The NICU had given me a schedule of times to come feed Luke.  We would make the trip every three hours to go feed him.  This would quickly take a toll on us physically and emotionally. 

I was really excited that the nurses let my mom in to meet Luke.  She was able to hold him and we had a really special time of introduction.  I fed him, and then we went back home.  Three hours later, we were back.  We did this every day until he left the hospital.  About the time we would get home and doze off or eat a quick meal, it would be time to go back.  I became so exhausted these days, and I really did a lot more than I should have physically.  But my baby needed me to do all that traveling and make the trek to the second floor to see him every three hours!

Jared feeding Luke, who has on a mask for the jaundice lights. 

When we went to visit Sunday, we were sad to find that Luke was now being kept under lights because he had developed a light case of jaundice.  He was so sad with his little mask.  I had to even feed him under the lights.  He was so warm under there and I think we both kind of liked the warmth!  By now he was beginning to eat a lot better.  I was trying to breastfeed, and became frustrated when I’d come in for a feeding and see that they had already stuck a bottle in his mouth.  But, I realized if he was hungry, I’d rather them feed him a bottle than him have to wait for me while screaming.

Overall, our experience with the NICU was really good.  The nurses really took care of Luke and made sure to keep us informed.  They even allowed several of our friends to come in and visit Luke.  The nurses gave Luke a nickname, “Lazy Boy”, because he constantly fell asleep while feeding and slept so soundly. 

Waiting to talk to Luke's doctor. 

On Monday, I made a point to make sure I was there during Luke’s doctor visit to talk with her about his jaundice.  The doctor was running later than normal, but that was okay since Jared needed to meet with some people to finish Luke’s paperwork.  When it came time for the doctor to examine Luke, I was feeding him, but that was fine.  I didn’t know she had been in earlier in the day to see him and check his jaundice levels.  She let me know they were now in normal range, and we could take him home that day.  This was a total shock to me, and I began to cry.  I assumed he would need to be treated and monitored for several days.  It took us awhile to finish all the paperwork, but on a very rainy Monday, we were able to bring Luke home.

With Luke's nurses.

I was so excited to bring him in the door and put him in his bed.  We had a very busy night getting adjusted and trying to get everything prepared for him, since I was not able to finish before he came.

Our tiny baby on his first night home. 

The next day I began to not feel well, and ended up going to see my regular doctor.  I had an infection and an apparent allergic reaction to something they used at the other hospital, and would need several prescriptions and 5 days of IV antibiotics to heal.  These days were full of high fevers and sickness, and I felt guilty and sad that I was unable to take care of my baby right off.  Jared and my mom were doing great; I just wanted to be able to do everything for him.  It took a few weeks, but eventually I healed. 

My mom left to go home July 24, and then we began our life in Thailand, just the three of us.  This was a very exciting and difficult time with a lot of surprises and unknowns, but I know God worked everything out the way He wanted it.  I am so thankful for a fast and generally easy birth, and especially a healthy baby boy.

Luke on the car ride home.

*Afterword: Of course, this is not really the ending to this story! Luke is now four months old, and is the light of our lives. I can't wait to see the rest of his story unfold, and see what God has prepared for him. 

The Birth Story of Luke Gaboriault: Part 4

When I arrived in the delivery room I looked at the clock above my head and it was 9:00 a.m.  There were three beds set up which were all empty and they put me on one in the far corner.  The nurse who would deliver my baby spoke pretty good English, and came in and began to talk me through some things.  I was having the most terrible time listening to her through each contraction, and now I was getting that strong urge to push.  They quickly got supplies ready and then told me go whenever I was ready.  They talked me through how I should push, which apparently is a lot different than I thought.  I kept getting told I was doing it wrong, which was a bit discouraging, but I knew they knew more than I did.  It bothered me a great deal that every time the nurse would refer to my ‘bottom’, she would use a word that I consider a curse word.  I knew with English being her second language, she had picked up this word somewhere and probably had no idea it could be offensive. 

The time I spent pushing went by in a huge blur.  There was this fantastic lady who came to wipe me down with a cold wet rag periodically.  She was my favorite!  Also the head nurse kept saying, “You’re a strong, good mommy!”  This helped to motivate me.  

Luke's hair- which did appear black and curly
            at first, but by his second day was light and straight.

After a few pushes I was told they could already see his head.  They giggled saying I must have a Thai baby because he had black hair!  This made me so excited.  The nurse ended up breaking my water, which upset me at first because it hurt, but was followed with quite a bit of relief.  That moment I really began to realize this was about to happen.  I just couldn’t believe it. 

It only took a few more pushes and his head came out, then one big push and Luke Anderson Gaboriault entered the world at 9:54 a.m., only about 7 hours from the time I said we needed to leave for the hospital.  He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.  The Bible is absolutely true when it says a mother will forget the pains of childbirth when the child is delivered (John 16:21).  All I could focus on was him.  I knew by looking at him he was extremely tiny compared to other babies I had seen, and I was worried about him being so early.  I was prepared for them to whisk him away to the NICU, so I was totally shocked when the first thing they did was put him on my chest.  He was already crying strong cries, and immediately began to breastfeed.  He also took this time to welcome me to motherhood by peeing on me, twice.  His squirming little body was warm and perfect.  I could not take him in fast enough, but the image of him looking at me for the first time will be in my mind forever.

He only stayed with me a short time, and they took him to the corner of the room to be checked and weighed.  The nurse finished up everything with me while I focused my attention to that sweet crying boy in the corner.  A nurse announced Luke weighed 2,300 grams, or 5 pounds 1 ounce.  I never heard his length that day, but found out later he was 50 cm long, or 19 ½ inches.  He got a perfect 10 for his Apgar score, which is not really common for a premature baby.  He didn’t look premature, just tiny, and he wasn’t showing any signs of problems!

Next, they put him in an incubator and took him up to the NICU for monitoring.  They took me back out to the area where I labored, but all the beds were now full, so they put me in a hallway.  I was totally alone and I was fine with that.  I was overwhelmed with excitement at what had just happened and in shock at what my body was just able to do.  I spent this time replaying the events in my head, thinking about his little face, and praying prayers of thanks.  Soon though, I began to wonder why I was still alone and I was curious if they would give me some pain medicine now, if only Tylenol, since I think my adrenaline was beginning to wear off.  I began calling for someone, and by the time I got to an almost yell a nurse came to me and said, “One moment.”  She went back in the big room and then I heard the word ‘forgot’ and a conversation of someone getting in trouble for forgetting me. 

Luke holding Daddy's fingers.

They moved me back into the labor room, and still with no bed available, I was in the walkway between the beds.  This meant that my bed got knocked several times by people passing by, but it also meant I could get a nurse’s attention easily.  Then Jared showed up!  I teared up as I saw him and began to spill about how beautiful our baby boy was.  He said he knew because he saw him as they brought him out and was able to follow him into the NICU.  He had spent a little while alone with Luke before coming to see me.  Jared was so excited about his bright eyes and the way he held Jared’s fingers.  We talked and spent a long time dwelling in our excitement.  Jared helped me get a nurse’s attention so I could get that Tylenol, and then he went to see if we could possibly get a private room in the hospital.  We were sad to find out none were available, but this ended up being okay since the NICU was right next to the postpartum wing. 

I stayed in recovery until 2 p.m. because I was not still contracting like they wanted me to.  I ended up getting two doses of Pitocin and another shot of something else to help.  Eventually I was cleared to be moved to the regular room, and Jared was there as I was moved.  We passed by our friends who excitedly said they had been able to see Luke as he was wheeled by. 

The postpartum room.

The postpartum room was a huge room with about thirty beds, most of which were full of other new mommies.  It was actually a little neat to be around so many other women going through the same thing as you.  It took me a few days to even realize past my excitement just how awful the conditions were compared to what I was used to.  There was no air conditioning and we were in very close quarters.  There was no privacy except the curtains between the beds that they only closed if you were being examined.  There were four or five community toilets/showers that were not clean at all, and not even soap at the sinks.  I avoided the bathroom as much as possible.  It’s funny because afterward my mom said going to church camp all those years had prepared me for these conditions.  She was right; it was very similar, and that’s not a good thing for a hospital.  But as I said, I was too excited and I didn’t realize this until later.

Jared sat with me a little while and then our friends, the Vickers, came in to visit.  I began to cry as I told them how thankful I was to have them there.  As we were talking a nurse came walking in holding Luke!  We were able to hold him and show him off and take our first family picture.  I asked the nurse when Luke could come stay by my bed, like all the other mommies and babies in there.  She told me he couldn’t because of being premature he needed to be monitored.  This made me pretty sad, but she assured me she would bring him for visits and I could go visit him when I was able.  She was great about bringing him to visit every few hours and she helped me with learning to breastfeed.  I noticed they had put a feeding tube in his mouth, and she also explained that it was normal for early babies to not know how to eat yet, so they were going to need to teach him to eat.  Besides that, she said he was healthy and doing great.  I was sad when our visit was over, but I could see the door to his room from my bed, so this made things a little better knowing he was so close. 

Our first family picture.

 

From sitting in my bed, the view to the doorway into the NICU.

The nurse's station right next to my bed.

View from my bed. Notice the fan to keep me cool.

The community bathroom for all the postpartum mommies. 

The Birth Story of Luke Gaboriault: Part 3

The doctor came back after a few minutes and I began to ask details about the other hospital the baby would need to go to.  The doctor stopped me quickly and said, “I’m sorry, you’re too far along.  You won’t make it to that hospital and we won’t be able to transport the baby there fast enough after birth.”  Later, Jared told me he asked if we could even hire a helicopter to transport us down to the other hospital, and he was told no.

          The bad news from the doctor didn’t stop there.  He then informed us he had already called an ambulance and we would be transferred to the government hospital in town since they had a NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) that could better suit the baby’s needs.  This really made me freak out and have a complete melt down as I told Jared I would not have my baby there.  I will not go into the experiences we’ve heard about there, but I’ll just say this hospital is not known for having the same standards we are used to.

           Well, I had no choice.  My hospital, the one I knew would be safe and clean, was not going to let me have the baby there.  It was too risky for the baby.  I asked the emergency room doctor if where I was going was a good hospital.  I knew it wasn’t, but I was searching for anything positive about it.  She gave me a look, which meant “No, it isn’t a good hospital,” but then said, “Their labor and delivery and NICU are really good.”  This made me feel a little better.  Since she was so honest with her face, I trusted her words were honest, also.  So, we prepared to get in the ambulance to go to the other hospital.  I got dressed and since I had found it impossible to use the bedpan half an hour earlier, I used the bathroom, which I found was just as horribly difficult to do while in labor. In labor.  I finally accepted this reality about the time I was getting dressed to be put in the ambulance.  I was going to have this baby, and it was going to happen today.  When I accepted this, I began to feel a little calmer, and a little bit of excitement. 

Soon they put me on a bed and in the ambulance.  As soon as we went outside I said, “The sun’s up!”  I thought, “Wow; the sun is up starting a new day, the day I will have my baby.”  I had no idea how long we had been there at the hospital, but it was now about 6 a.m.  To me, it had really only felt like an hour had gone by at the most.  Everything and everyone were moving so fast.  My doctor walked with me all the way to the ambulance.  I could tell he was upset; there was nothing more he could do.  I could tell by the way he was acting that he felt guilty he had not stopped all this from happening like it did.  Even now, I really don’t blame him.  I think even if I had stayed on the medicine all along, everything still would have progressed in the same way.  God was in control.

The ambulance ride went very quickly.  I was thankful there was no traffic at 6 a.m. as there are no laws in Thailand saying cars must pull over for emergency vehicles.  I remember laughing a little, and saying to Jared, “Well this is fun!  My first ambulance ride!”  I was having a peace overcome me at this point, and I’d say it was God letting me know we were going to be ok. 

Udon Thani Hospital Entrance

This peace left me a little as I was wheeled in to the emergency room at the government hospital.  I was having a contraction and really couldn’t focus on everything going on around me.  I do remember however, that all eyes were on me.  It is not very common for a foreigner to be in the government hospital, and I was getting a lot of attention.  It was a great thing I am not a screamer during childbirth- that would have really made a scene.  I also remember the man in the bed next to me coughing terribly.  I thought, “Oh great, I come in to have a baby and leave with tuberculosis.”  Jared left me for just a minute to fill out some paperwork, and my stay in this wing only lasted about five minutes as I was obviously in labor, and they knew my progress from the other hospital.

Next, I was wheeled in to the labor and delivery ward.  They put me on a bed right next to the nurse’s desks, and got right to work monitoring me.  This was a room with about twenty other women, who were all pregnant, but none seemed to be in labor like I was.  Perhaps they were just there for monitoring or pregnancy complications.  By now, the contractions were hard enough I couldn’t talk through them and really didn’t want anyone talking to me through them, unless it was with encouraging words.  I was now 6 cm.  They decided to do an ultrasound to check the position of the baby and re-measure his size so they could be better prepared in the NICU for what was about to happen.  The two girls who did the ultrasound were driving me crazy.  They did things so slow and acted a little puzzled by the machine.  Later I learned they were what they call externs (similar to interns).

Outside of the women's/baby building.

I labored here for a while with Jared at my side holding my hand.  I really needed him there.  He was so much better at Thai than I was, and with all that was going on I could not remember the first Thai word.  This being the government hospital, not very many people spoke English, and those who did spoke very little.  So not only did I need him there for love and support, I needed him there to keep me up to speed on what was happening.

Jared spent a lot of this time on the phone with family and several friends in Thailand.  There was a couple from our church, Buck and Ladda, who volunteered to come be at the hospital to help if needed.  The wife is Thai, so we thought we would need her help for sure.  Another missionary family from about two hours away, the Vickers, also decided to come help.  Knowing they were coming to give us a support system meant so much to me.

A 'waiting room' in the labor & delivery building.
              This is an outside hallway, and that day was very hot.

After a bit, a nurse came and began telling Jared something I could tell I wasn’t going to like.  Sure enough, she told Jared it was not yet visiting hours so he would have to wait outside while I labored.  (In Thailand, if family was allowed in the rooms at all times, the whole village would be there.  They always come in big groups, so in a way I understand this policy.)  However, I only had Jared and I NEEDED him!  We tried to play the whole “we didn’t understand you, we don’t speak Thai” thing, but that wasn’t going to last long.

Then God sent us an angel!  The couple from our church showed up and when the wife came in speaking Thai, the whole atmosphere changed.  The nurses became so nice and seemed to go above and beyond for us.  It is interesting, I didn’t think we were being treated differently before, but now we were getting a much nicer treatment.  With these new guests distracting the nurses by talking about where they were from, etc. this allowed me a little more time to have Jared by my side.  Soon, however, the newness of them being there was over, and the nurse started mentioning again that Jared would need to wait outside.  I started begging them to let him stay, and asked our friend to please convince them for me.  The nurses really didn’t want to give in, and took this time to explain to me that Jared would definitely not be allowed in the delivery room.  This was a hospital policy that could not be broken, and we knew we couldn’t fight that one. 

We were able to delay Jared’s leaving just a little while longer.  During this time I really began to feel as if I wasn’t going to be able to do this.  The contractions had gotten so intense and I knew there was a possibility this could go on all day.  I began to ask about pain medicine and they told me no way.  I knew an epidural was not an option, they are no longer allowed in Thailand, but I had been told by my other doctor I could have other pain relief.  It was explained to me, however, with the baby being this small and early they would not allow me to have any medication as it could have bad side effects on him.  This made me pretty sad because I wasn’t sure how much longer I could do this.  And then, just when I needed encouragement, the nurse said Jared had to go.  I started tearing up and panicking a little, and the nurse said, “Unless you want me to check you first.  Do you feel like you need to push?”  I really didn’t know what this would feel like, but I told her I had some pressure, so sure she could check before Jared left.  To our huge surprise, I was between 8 and 9 cm.  The nurse said, “Well now your husband has to leave because we are taking you to delivery to begin pushing!”  I don’t really remember feeling scared or worried at this point, mostly surprised that I had labored almost to a 10 all by myself (without medication)!  And it had gone so fast.  I honestly thought this part of labor was going to be much worse than it was. 

Hospital Parking

So they had me get in a wheelchair and wheeled me to the delivery room.  That day, from the time I arrived at the first hospital until the time I was finished delivering, I changed beds seven times.  Honestly this made my day so much harder and each time I had to move was very trying.  It is nearly impossible to get in and out of a bed to a wheelchair then back up while in labor, and obviously doctors don’t know that!